Want to lose friends and alienate people as you travel the world? Here’s how:
- Pack your bag so heavy that you cannot lift it. When faced with stairs, a boat, or a walk longer than five feet, sheepishly smile at the bigger, stronger members of your group who foolishly thought that by packing light they would be traveling light as well.
- Be the last one of your group every single time. Boarding the bus, deciding what dessert to order, shopping for scarves; no matter the situation, you are bringing up the rear.
- Ask questions that have just been answered but you didn’t hear because you weren’t paying attention. Ex: after your guide’s thirty minute rundown on Egyptian hieroglyphics, ask: now, what kind of writing is this?
- Always have something negative to say.
- Refuse to learn even simple phrases in your host country’s language; instead just speak your native tongue ONLY LOUDER!
- When your whole group is madly hung over and posted up waiting for transportation at 6AM, arrive singing and making loud declarative statements like this: “Aren’t we lucky it’s raining?”
- Don’t say people’s names: SHOUT them, especially in closed quarters like an overnight train or in the back of a bus.
- Are you the oldest in the group? Act like everyone’s father or mother. The youngest? Might as well act like a five year old.
- Do not go to the restroom when you have the chance. Wait a half hour, and then insist that everyone stop again so you can relieve yourself.
- In a shared-room situation, while your roommate is at the beach, take the only key to your room and go hiking for four to five hours. Tell no one where you are going.
Basically, to be the most annoying person in your tour group, you must act like you are the very most important person not only in your group, but in the entire world as well.